goodbye yasmin

there you were, standing on the green field next to a beautiful lake, some where in the deep village of kedah. i was afraid of getting close to you, as i have heard rumours of that you were once a man. how a fool i was to not overlook such things to see how a great person you were. the little kids were gathering around you, getting ready to take a photo with you. your husband just walked pass and smiled. a smile of a husband who was happily married with the good side of mankind and what a wonderful person you are, even though i never get to know you personally. how i wish i could. as i was holding my own camera, never thought of taking one with you back then. now, even when i wanna stand in front of you and thank you for all the tv advetisement that touched my heart and malaysians. even the coldest of blood would feel a slap in their face, and wakes up from their hellhole after watching your great work.

again, i wish to bid you farewell and apologise as well for being a naive college kid back then. and thank you for coming to kedah to film one of your many best work. good night, yasmin. sorry, yasmine. thank you, yasmine.

monster friend

i recently found out i’m a scary person to be out with alone. and yet, my sole purpose of the outing in a group is basically is to be a drebar. oh my, what a great friend i have. of all the compliment i have had, i’m basically a mr thelma for online purpose only. even when i meant to just to have friends, some people just can’t seem to take it naturally without any hidden agenda. oh and in this case, a made up agenda in someone’s mind.

some come to the extend of being paraniod of being loved that they wall up their life against new friends and kept rambling about wanting to have more friends. friends who don’t go clubbing. wanna change her weekend’s relaxing outing other than clubbing. and yet, weekly without fail, we get to see new photos of that pub or this pub or the pub.

some people just contradict themselves and without realizing can hurt the people around them. so, i’ll stick with the old and best. more than a decade already and still counting.

a poem by a crabby old woman

Crabby Old Woman

What do you see, nurses, what do you see?
What are you thinking when you’re looking at me?
A crabby old woman, not very wise,
Uncertain of habit, with far away eyes?

Who dribbles her food and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice ‘I do wish you’d try!’
Who seems not to notice, the things that you do,
And forever is losing a stocking or shoe?

Who, resisting or not, let’s you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill?
Is that what you’re thinking? Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse, you’re not looking at me.

I’ll tell you who I am as I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, as I eat at your will.
I’m a small child of ten with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters who love one another.

A young girl of sixteen with wings on her feet,
Dreaming that soon now a lover she’ll meet.
A bride soon at twenty, my heart gives a leap,
Remembering the vows that I promised to keep.

At twenty-five now, I have young of my own,
Who need me to guide and a secure happy home.
A woman of thirty, my young now grown fast,
Bound to each other with ties that should last.

At forty, my young sons have grown and are gone,
But my man’s beside me to see I don’t mourn..
At fifty once more, babies play round my knee,
Again we know children, my loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead,
I look at the future, I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing young of their own,
And I think of the years and the love that I’ve known.

I’m now an old woman and nature  is cruel,
‘Tis jest to make old age look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles, grace and vigour depart,
There is now a stone where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass a young girl still dwells,
And now and again, my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys, I remember the  pain,
And I’m loving and living life over again.

I think of the years all too few, gone too fast,
And accept the stark fact that nothing can last.
So open your eyes people, open and see,
Not a crabby old woman; Look closer, see ME!!

Toad The Wet Sprocket

where have all the years gone? that “alternatif” show every week of a particular day, i no longer remember, as memories of the past starts to blur away. i would wait each week for that show, hoping to catch a music video of my favourite bands. there were times when they had Oasis special, or even Nirvana tribute. when i know these 2 are gonna be aired, i would prefer my blank video tape to record them. the other show on local station that i’ll never miss would be the late nite billboard countdown. where i will not fail to see the big fat old man trying to run away from a police car, just following him slowly from behind, as at the end of the song, the car reversed and get ready to hit the dude hard. but to the fat dude’s advantage, the car had a gas leak, which he lit a match to torch the police car. that was my dad’s favourite. the other one would also be the black dude crashing his bike before he starts singing in his white suit.

so why don’t we all just come down to the 90s and get back some groove into jamming and let our hair down once awhile from the adulthood. jump on the time machine with our baggy pants and surf tshirts, that goes well with our converse or vans or even airwalk. yes, airwalk. an almost forgotten name for me. then there was alien workshop, the brand close to the tookao bodyglove of today.

out of the blue, when i passed by my old home, and saw the place where my dad’s wake was, made me miss those care free years i thankfully enjoyed every minute. no regrets, no worries. but now, it’s just alot of things i miss. alot. sleeping beside the coffin with my mobile lying on my chest, just in case someone call. i miss so many things of the past, that i’m so stucked.

so hard… and it’s not the dick

so many times, i wanted to utter those 3 words each time when we call it a night and log off. or when you are going away for a holiday. or when it’s time to hang up the phone after a chat before we go to sleep. just an empty blank after the good nights and goodbyes that i am not ready to fill in. or i already am but just holding back, because it might be said out alittle too soon. i wish not for a repeat of the previous  experience of jumping into the pool too soon. i am still alittle old school. but i don’t mind being a fool for this time around. fooling myself that it could happen even when we are far apart. things that linger in my mind, dreams i carved from total fiction of my brain.  let this not be a long term infatuation.